JIAMIN DONT WANT TO GO FOR SLC CAMP ): hahahaha i want my bedddd ):

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i realised it's so good having cousins/ auntie who lends me everything. and someone who care to buy me things that will keep my spirits up for my 4 days in god-knows-where. HAHA. you know since primary school i will be the first to run away from camps. and wait, did i say i will be separated from my dearrrrrrest girlfriend (whom i havent seen for ages). CANDICE! i hope you had fun in Japan. I miss you! :D

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omg first time carrying backpack since primary 4. hahaha i think i still look like a ninja. hee. at least the bag make up for everything. (:

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stayover at aunty's house with 6 other cousins was nothing but absolute fun. :D

i thought alot. and i learnt alot yesterday while out with yanning and zehui.

realised that i might not be as lucky as i thought i always was. makes me think twice of certain things. and till now, i dont know if i should regret what i have gotten myself into. maybe there are some things which i will never understand, how some people just see things differently from others.

there are many phases in life, which we will stop and think, and then take away something from the whole experience, before carrying on with the journey. these things we learn, we then apply to whenever a situation calls for it in the future, or perhaps, some just stay within us. perhaps i am someone who has a flair in analysing various situations for others, but there are times when i cant even do it for myself. ironic, but i guess it's always like that. in this 17 years i have experienced many things which people of my age probably wont experience. having a family with members who are at least 8 years older than me, there are times when i am forced into experiencing the adult world more than others. a senior once told me this: "you always give me the impression that you are a little girl who never had things the easy way. it's like, life is always slightly tougher for you." this is something i always remember, and at many times, i think about it.

man and woman are built differently. i always knew i'm the typical female who thinks alot, who thinks very far (yes, i'm tested to be futuristic). sometimes it may serve as a strength, but when used in the wrong times, it may become something that can cause me alot of worries and unhappiness. especially when you realised that people around dont have the same mentality.

i stopped to think again yesterday.

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inner me aside, holidays doesnt seem to be holidays after all. there's SLC for the coming week, and plus OGL commitments and stuff. it's quite ironic, considering i was upset with someone because of the same reason. now i question myself - why am i more busy even during the holidays? it's quite sucky, i dont have time for myself, my family, and my studies. sometimes i feel like a mugger, but well, i dont see anything wrong with that. :D

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time to get myself out of word challenge. stupid FB.

deep inside, i envy those who are so sweet out there. (:
but to some extent, it makes me self-pity. lol.

god, i need strength.

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stomach isnt feeling too well. ): and with headache and going home alone after training, im brain-dead. HAHA.

for today, those who made my day are can and mext. (:

im thinking of deleting this online journal of mine. (:

JIAMIN IS PROMOTED. :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDd

i just got to realise how jc's been a sad, sad place. it provides such a competitive environment in everyone, many around are feeling stupid. im no exception. at least, i never came so close or bothered about whether i was able to promote to the next level in my whole studying life, until this year.

to be honest, im happy with promos results to a pretty large extent. i've struggled, i've studied, i've prayed, i've done it. i dedicate it to you, as i have said before. i know you have been watching over me throughout, and will continue to be my guiding light. people may find it stupid, but i believe in you. (: 

more importantly than just promoting, it's the joy to promote with people around me. (:

for now, what's exciting me is PW oral presentation and written report the chance to be an OGL! it has been one of my motivation before promos, and i really hope to get a chance to be one. JC life passes real quick; we're ending year 1. im glad im still surviving. :D

for now, OP and WR are calling out to me. wait.

why? i cant seem to comprehend, as much as a simple person you are.

then what's the point.

i was reminded about a tag that i received last night, a tag i didnt bother much thinking it was a rather usual tags people get on facebook. named as "my inspiration", it was something that a cousin of mine who has written for my grandpa. it's simple, but yet close to heart. and im inspired, to write on as well.




after my previous blog entry, i had some thoughts arising: i wished i could be a better writer, someone better at words, especially in times like this.

for a start, my childhood years were spent having closer ties to the people in my paternal side. but i do remember getting invtied to annual christmas party to my grandparent's place situated at kaki bukit. unlike my paternal side, my maternal side celebrated christmas. i remember the christmas tree that would be standing at a corner, surrounded by numourous colourful presents. it stood there, until i dont remember seeing it there last year. i cant remember why.

i got closer to maternal side after something that happened to my grandfather (if i didnt remember wrongly). some years back when i thought back, i smiled and i knew it was nothing bad, because i get to bond with the side of my family that i never really had to opportunity to when i was younger. like any family, we had sunday gatherings, different homes on different sundays. i got to swim every week in my aunt's condo with a cousin two years my senior, bathed together, played together. it was a carefree life, we were all so young.

that was where i picked up mahjong, something that the adults would do every sunday. the players varied, but something never changed - they always included my grandpa, and he always had my grandma to sit beside him. come to think about it, she never plays, but she gives him guidance. i used to think my grandma didnt know how to play, but i was wrong. even though i havent touched mahjong for a long time, i know i can play it rather well. (:

few years down, we stopped going for sunday gatherings. i cant remember how it stopped, but i think it all started with the cousins having exams. or is it because of my father, the guy with incomprehensible thoughts. saturday dinner with my grandparents started. i would tag along every time we went out; we tried good food from all places. sometimes, i would be reluctant.

i was never particularly close to my grandparents, at least not like my 3 cousins who stayed with them. i remember how i used to pluck grandpa's white hair (which were minimal, seriously) for 5 cents per strand. and i alw end up with maximum 50 cents. HAHA. i was forever eyeing on the big tins under his desk, which i knew had so many 1 dollar coins. he knew my dialect was not strong (im forever mixing teochew and hokkien), but he spoke to me in English. he was fluent, despite being aged.

he battled with heart problems for almost 15 years. a long, tough battle.

few months ago, his condition for diabetes got worse. he was hospitalised. he was due for an operation.
i remember bowling halfway, before receiving a call from Min, a cousin of mine. she told me to contact my classmates whom she was giving tuition to, and that her battery was running flat and she couldnt reach them. she told me she was rushing down to the hospital. not waiting, i cabbed all the way to SGH. i still remember the journey which was so long, and it was peak hour and jam towards city area. the expensive cab fare pained a little, but what was worse was the sight of my grandfather, reduced to skin and bones, and seemed to age more than 10 years overnight. but i was glad, he was still there.

he was in the high dependency unit. he wasnt covered entirely, and i could see his shoulder bones. they were.. wrapped by skin, and nothing else. what was finally the last blow was when he held out his hand to hold mine, and called out my name. never had i imagined such strong feeling would hit me, so hard.

it was the first time, i was so close to losing a loved one.

the next few weeks he was shuffling between home and hospital(s). CGH to SGH to Mount E. i remembered being so worried when he was undergoing the amputation of his foot, a decision that the family deliberated for such a long time. that day, i was very tired. i was caught up with WR, didnt have enough sleep, upset with everyone, had to run 2.8km for mass pe. it may sound stupid, but while running lucky heights, alone, i had this burst of energy to keep running. my mind tells me that im running the battle with grandpa.

i received an sms from Min, "Operation was a success!" you will never imagine how happy i was.

i travelled 2 hours to visit him at Mount E. he was so much better, and i was so happy. Even though i had little common topics with him, i just wanted to see him. the last time, i went alone. he had biscuit crumbs on his lips, i could still remember. every time he see me, he would hold out his hand to hold mine. perhaps, it's just a very special connection.

i was so caught up with work that i forgot about him. the whole of last week i didnt visit him at all. all i had was updates from my mum every morning while on the way to school. and it didnt exactly helped when her car got towed away and i went to school alone.

i went to serangoon cc to study on sunday again. i was upset that day because of something that happened recently. i came home at about 4 plus. i was, starving. i sat on the dining table and immediately started eating. mum wasnt at home, and i knew she went to visit grandpa. dad came out and told me that my grandpa is about to pass away. a call from mum not long after confirmed that they were rescuing him, but chances were near zero. his heart has stopped beating. she called jolene sis after awhile, and she told us that grandpa was gone.

i didnt cry. i didnt know what to feel. i was still doing math. but i didnt know what i was doing. my mind was just, in a whirl. i asked myself why im not crying. i was supposed to go down to the hospital with jol sis and bro, but i didnt know why i told them to go ahead. i just wanted to do my work. when they left, i decided to go as well.

i took bus, train, lost my way at eastpoint. by the time i reached, Min has told me that they have alr placed his body into the mortuary. it was then i realised, i was too late.

why was i so stupid to hesitate earlier on, i really dont know. for now, my only regret was not seeing him for the last time.

i went to the wake yesterday. i havent cried. but the moment i saw his face, that was when everything started. i dont know why. he was there, his face still partially smiling. he looked just like he was sleeping, only that he was not breathing. this time when i see him, i know he wouldnt hold out his hand to hold mine anymore.

i wasnt sad about his departure, i knew he just went somewhere better. but part of me was longing to touch him once again, to feel his hands in mine.

there was no chance for him to teach me erhu and dizi anymore. no one to use that abacus that produced so much noise. come to think about it, im the only one in the family who played dizi before, who has done abacus. has he passed his traits to me?

if there is one thing i would learn from all these, there's nothing more important than him.
not even promos, not even PW.</div>
you'll always be my motivation. and i love you.

he lived a great man,
the man with few words.

i remember telling you that i will bring you to walk around orchard,
i remember joking with you you that i want to hold your hands and be your girlfriend.
i remember the saturday dinners with you,
i remember getting annoyed with you because you always ask me the same question again and again.

and i also remember rushing down that day,
i remember crying because i was shocked seeing how frail you were,
a complete different person i used to know.
i remember you reaching out for my hands,
and how happy and touched i felt when you called my name.

but i know you've gone to a faraway place,
so abruptly, so quickly.
God must have wanted you up there so much.
and i wont be sad for too long,
because i know you are wachting me through every step in my life.

for you, i will do my best.
and for now, my promos.
whatever results it may be,
it's for you.

and i know i will meet you someday in the future,
and i still want to be your little granddaughter if i have another chance to.
but until that day,
i will miss you.
we all would.

Breathe lyrics
Songwriters: Caillat, Colbie; Swift, Taylor Alison;

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
 

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( dont read. )

counting down the days to promos, and i know it's time for some serious hardcore studying.

it's really all about balance. a lil negligence at a certain area or two would be detrimental. a strong word to use, but in times like this, it seems applicable after all.

---

taking a break from work since the morning, it doesnt seem to help of a relaxation with my head filled with what happened this afternoon.
perhaps, it's time to get back to work again.

ciao.

life talk again today. i guess i have an inclined liking to this topic though. there's so much to talk about, and as if im some 60 years old auntie.

human's are complex creatures, with minds filled with trains of incomprehensible thoughts. some go to such a great extent people start avoiding them. and by nature, girls are made to think much more - they can somehow draw links to completed unrelated stuff. not that bad after all, i guess their lit are usually not bad. (:

simple-minded yet matured. (: can you understand why im talking abt? LOL.

we cannot define happiness; we feel it.

so we share the exact sentiments. :D

how does one define love.

and what is the line that divides between a friend and a partner.

the question i have been pondering about; but seems like i neednt find an answer after all. they dont matter. (:

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promos up ahead, but im feeling lost and caught up with so much work. and god, it's only the start of the term.

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for now, self-discipline is something i ought to get into myself really soon.

meeps, and i still love the name bitbit. :D HAHA. shall nickname my kids that. HAHAHA. epic. poor child of mine.

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it's WR and EoM calling out for me. ew. ):

jiamin shall save money to rebond hair again;

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end of holidays; i see a crazy term ahead.

studying at SMU now! omg super good when you know you studied, even after you died.

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i just realised how imba a cousin i have, and it's pretty scary when you see yourself next to her. it's like.. da wu jian xiao wu.

she's pretty like crazy; she has some level of motivation that i can never ever have in myself. (ps. she takes double degree law and business but still have FOUR tuitions at once. omg)

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but, life isnt just all about comparison. :D i will just be very proud and very happy for her.

mondays and thursdays!

MJD :D

a pact.

and i know the reason behind those tears.

/ edit

and i will bring you everywhere i go. :D

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HAHA did i say, i rekindled my love for taylor swift's love story. ((:

(: st nicks today! :D

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i hate jc i hate jc i hate jc i hate jc i hate jc i hate jc.

everyone does :D

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the week felt doubly long even though monday was a holiday. loads to do this weekend too.

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im getting pissed more easily.
im getting more bitchy, more angsty, more impatient, more demanding and more sensitive.

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im a survivor.